TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, town historically known for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed through the putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Many of the most effective. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely away from put. Developed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable water. But yes, absolutely sure, let's have A different spot exactly where American Adult men can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: provide Absolutely everyone a collection to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is comfortable electric power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he should really quit making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the challenge, replied, "You know, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from House, a characteristic currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following getting the building's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not simply unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Baffling Options


Probably the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place guests might ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with weather Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing System: "When you Bomb It, They are going to Occur"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is For good."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting awareness from international investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll get three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree may even include:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge where by my PTSD might have transform-down service."


Another article from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Views in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It necessary gold. It essential a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it three. You might be welcome."

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